Strength to Carry It
Strength to Carry It
by Julie Amaya | Santa Cruz, CA
Soon after walking the Camino Francés in 2015, the storms of my life caught up to me, and the years that followed were filled with chaos, loss, and overwhelming grief. I felt irretrievably lost, with my only solace found in walking. I walked hundreds and then thousands of miles to ease the pain. Then, in the spring of 2023, I felt compelled to walk the Francés once again. It was time to confront my personal demons and lessen the emotional baggage. Walking the Francés was the only way I knew how. I was ready.
I walked solo, mostly in silent contemplation. I wrote nightly letters to my two sons, Andrew and David, describing in detail what I saw and how I felt. They were no longer with me in life, but by writing to them, I felt them with me in spirit. It was comforting.
It’s amazing how much more one sees and feels when the external and unnecessary is silenced. My pilgrimage revolved around the beauty of the Camino and the healing powers of giving into the silence and serenity around me. My pack may have been heavy, but the load was getting lighter, and after nearly eight years of loss and turmoil, I was finally finding the kind of peace that only the Camino could provide.
It wasn’t until I stayed at a Christian albergue that I realized how far I really had come. After the communal dinner, the pastor spread a deck of large cards with pictures on them on the table and had each of us pick the card that spoke to us and then explain why. I chose my card and when my turn came, held it up. It was a broken-down bicycle. Then I spoke:
Not that long ago if asked what the card represented I would have answered, “An old bike that should be thrown away.” Now when I look at it, I see the parts necessary to make it whole lying near it on the ground. It would still be rusty and dented, but would function once more. The bike reminds me of life and how each of us is unburdened when we enter this world. And how, as time passes, we get worn down and scarred, just like the bike in the picture. The card speaks to me about my personal Camino. It shows me how much my outlook has changed on my journey of healing.
It was then that I knew I would be okay going forward. Did I lighten my burden? Maybe. Or perhaps I had just become stronger and better able to carry it.
