What I Left Behind
What I Left Behind
by Holly Alexander | Fort Worth, TX
When I asked my niece to paint a rock in memory of my mother, who had passed away in October, I didn’t think to be specific. In my mind, telling her that I would be carrying the rock in my backpack during my March Camino was a clear indication that the size and weight of the rock should be minimal. But she selected a veritable boulder, weighing 1.6 pounds and measuring five inches in length. Although her artwork was beautiful, the spiritual and emotional weight of the rock was absolutely daunting.
My husband and I began this year’s Camino on March 1 in Santo Domingo de la Calzada. The weather was bracing, with brisk winds and blue skies as we made our way to Belorado. Day 2 to Villafranca Montes de Oca was even more challenging, with wind gusts over 50 miles per hour and stinging ice pellets. My anxiety increased that evening as I fretted over what Day 3 would bring: a climb over the Oca Mountains on freshly-fallen snow.
The load I was carrying was immense. I was grieving the loss of my mother and harboring an enormous amount of anger related to the responsibilities I had assumed after her death. My backpack was laden with the necessities of a winter pilgrimage, as well as the heavy rock bearing my mother’s name. As I stepped into the biting cold, fear was winning the battle in my head.
But sunrise sparkled on the ice-encrusted tree branches. In the still of the morning, the only sound I could hear was my boots crunching through spots frozen hard in the night. The chilly air brought pink to my cheeks and tears to my eyes. The incline up the mountain made me focus on taking one step, then another, then another, as we trudged up the path.
That’s when we saw the perfect place: a snow-covered ledge high above the valley. I pulled off my gloves, unzipped my backpack, and pawed through my belongings to find the rock. I placed it gently on the ledge, smiling at the sight. As we continued up and over the mountain that day, making our way through the wintry forest, I felt lighter than I had in months. The Camino had worked its magic.
