Letting Go of “What If” Fears
Letting Go of “What If” Fears
by David J. Larwa | Brighton, MI
Back Story:
As I write this reflection, my backpack is packed for Spain. I leave to walk my 12th pilgrimage—11 to Santiago and one to Rome. On each walk my pack has gotten lighter; not just the pack, but my “what if” fears.
My wife, Elizabeth, and I met 48 years ago in Algonquin National Park while completing a class at the University of Michigan. Backpacking and canoeing for two weeks while the sun rose and set, with the loons in the background. What a way to meet! It was love at first sight, and we were married within a year.
We have supported each other through falls, traveling down different trails, words spoken and not spoken. Just a look sometimes.
The Story:
Several years ago, with the children gone and time to explore, we planned our walk on the Camino de Santiago. After months of preparation, our bags were packed and out of nowhere my wife took ill and needed to be hospitalized the week we were to leave. No Camino for us. Just disappointment and “what if” fears. We put our packs in the closet.
Elizabeth recovered. A new year! New plans! We took our packs out of storage and soon arrived in St. Jean Pied de Port. Our bags and fears were a lot lighter with a fresh start. We made it. Sunrises and sunsets once again. Then in Logroño, while walking to dinner on a lovely evening, Elizabeth tripped on a curb at the Plaza Mayor, fell and broke her arm. That the Camino provides is true. A cab happened to be right there. People picked her up, placed her in the cab, and it sped off. Again, our packs became heavy with “what if” fears.
My wife’s arm in a cast, the doctor told her, “No more Camino.” Elizabeth must go home and see a specialist. Later, in our room with heavy hearts and red eyes, we tried to sleep. At 3 a.m., we talked. My wife made it clear that I must finish the Camino. Again, the pack got heavy with “what if” fears.
We have always walked together. But she understands me. At 5 a.m., we held each other. Just as she left for the airport she handed me her gold wedding ring. “This is my spirit and love; you need to continue your journey.”
We said goodbye.
Postscript:
Elizabeth needed additional surgery. I did make it to Finisterre with her ring. A bill arrived months later for about $50.00 from the hospital. We have now completed four walks to Santiago together and many miles all over the world.
Today, as I look at my backpack ready to leave again, it is so light. With that gold ring in my heart, my “what if” fears have changed to Ultreia! because Elizabeth and I traveled the Camino.
